Let's Take a Look At Children's Songs

Let's take a break from our usual fare and look at songs designed for children. So, let's take a look on YouTube and see what we can find.

Mommy's Got A Baby In Her Tummy

By Patty Shukla

While I understand where this is coming on from, it is strange to me. The way the girl leans on her mom's belly and the way she proudly declares that it is for her, just makes me think she wants to eat it. 

I can't wait until your fully cooked.

The girl continues to explain sing about her new burrito cooking, in a way that I can only describe as the sound cats would make if you threw them in a toilet while flushing it. 

Towards the end of the song, the wait for the burrito over takes her and she breaks down mumbling, "a baby" over and over. 

I will give this song 2 fetuses out of 5. It is too much for my ears.

Please help this child.

Round and Round We Go!

By Debbie Doo

Let's take a look at Debbie here, she looks fun. She has an awesome sparkling pink wig, beads, and bright colors. She has a 90's vibe to her. I would hang with her.

And Austin Power teeth.

Today we a ribbon dancing with her. I remember when that was popular for a while in 90's. Any ways, she hits up some polka music and we start going "Round and Round". I really like the part where she starts woahing. Debbie you won me over with that. Here's 4 out of 5 round and rounds for you.

Just don't take anyone's eye out.

The Animal Sounds Song

by The Bounce Gang

I am so glad I clicked this one. Just look at these colorful "creatures" they are great. The rooster is my favorite already and I am only 7 seconds in.

Take that Miley.

The animals are introduce one by one by their sounds. The poor horse and snake seem to get a little rip off on their costumes. 

The animals then turn the tables and instruct us to their dirty sounds for them. Really? Okay but, first I have to pee.

The song ends and the animals congratulate us for repeating them.  I am surprised they didn't reward us with grain. But, I'll award The Bounce Gang with 4 1/2 out of 5 sad snakes. This wasn't bad at all, I just have to dock a 1/2 point for not asking, "What does the fox say?"

Thanks for appreciating me.

Old MacDonald Had A Farm

by Merry Music Box

An old true classic, let's see how Merry Music Box tackles it. I must say I like the music they gave it, it seems a little skaish to me. The animation lacks a little but, you can tell they were on a budget. 

Bonus: Farming in diapers.

Old MacDonald keeps introducing his animals one by one. (I must admit, these cartoon characters sure have some moves. They basically fly.) We end up with our last animal and surprise it was a Tiger. Everyone scatters. 

I enjoyed these rendition, the music was fun. For this one, I am going to give it 5 out 5 anorexic pigs.

You know I had to touch that one.

Recycle Bin

by David Chicken

I honestly don't know where to start with Mr. Chicken here. He just may be my hero. The guy lives in a chicken inspired house and he is the Vanilla Ice of men who dress like chickens. I must mention that the outfit it is gold.

If you're going for that douche bag chicken look.

David Chicken raps about recycling while singing at a dump with his children's chorus. But he is still hard to hate. This guy is just radical. I am going a 2 out of 5 old water bottles on the song. But 10 out 5 on the get up. (He overachieved.)

You keep clucking.

Out of these 5 songs it is a tie up between Debbie Doo and my new friend David Chicken.

Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers Fire Safety Adventure

Listen up because this can save your life. Chip and Dales are going to teach us how not to die in a fire.

Okay, the rejected Disney Parks Chip and Dale are going to teach us.

We start off with Dale BBQing some acorns. While Dale is being a Peeping Tom checking out the Chipettes skinny dipping in the nearby lake. Oh just kidding, he's looking for Fat Cat. Dale catches him and quickly lectures him on how this is suppose to be their day off. But, Chip can not let go of his suspicion that Fat Cat is up to something.

Eleanor, gee, I think you're swell.

After arguing over this for what seems forever with their screechy voices, Chip regains control of his binoculars and spots Fat Cat at the local fire station. The two decide to get their Rescue Ranger on and investigate. They run down the hill and into the town. All the while, not being shot with tranquilizers by animal control.

At the station, we see our first close up of Fat Cat, I think.

Fat Cat that was hit by a semi truck.

Fat Cat is plotting to booby trap the fire station for some reason. He begins to pull off the fire hoses on the truck, when he is interrupted by the obnoxious sounds of the chipmunk duo. He runs off to hide.

Upon entering the station, Chip and Dale spot the can of caviar that Fat Cat conveniently dropped. (He is such a smooth criminal.)

Must be Dollar Store Caviar.

While Chip and Dale go on about how Fat Cat must be around, Fat Cat sneaks behind them. Just then, a knock distracts the chipmunks and they run upstairs towards the sound. Fat Cat then throws out some more hose and sneaks off again. 

Upstairs, Chip and Dale find Fire Fighter Phyllis tied up and gagged. (What the hell? Was Fat Cat going to do something really sinister with her?) 

I've seen a cat penis, I don't want to imagine much more.

The two quickly untie her. Phyllis explains that Fat Cat wanted the fire station and she refused. So what the heck is a Disney character to do? Tie her up and tell her she'll be sorry. 

Meanwhile with Fat Cat, it looks like he found a box of matches. He throws them on the floor like he is some kind of bad ass but, not planning to light them or anything. He just wants scare the Rescue Rangers and Phyllis to leave. All while he is doing this, making horrible puns.

Ooo, I am so bad. Meow!

Fat Cat hears the chipmunks and Phyllis heading his way. He makes another run for it.

The trio finds the pile of unlit matches at the bottom of the fire pole. They start to lecture us on how horrible it is to leave matches in a unsafe place. Phyllis picks them up, while Chip assumes that Fat Cat is going to leave all kind of traps for them. (You know like, leaving a dead mouse on the door step or hacking a hairball in your shoe.)

Just in case, you didn't believe me they were matches.

Phyllis starts to speak about catching your clothes on fire. So you all know what time it is. STOP, DROP, AND ROLL. 

Oh my god, they're marking their scent!

All the fun frolicking on the floor is interrupted by the smoke detector beeping. Phyllis states that it is the sound it makes when the battery is low. But, she soon realizes that she just replaced them yesterday. So, off to go check out this lame booby trap. Oh, and by the way, Fat Cat is hiding behind a laundry cart badly.

I can see your hunch back, Fat Cat.

Just as we all probably assumed, Fat Cat put the old battery back in the detector. Phyllis once again replaces the battery. She sets off the test button and she almost makes Dale shit little chipmunk nuggets on the floor with the shocking sound. 

Back with our villain Fat Cat, it looks as if he has found an iron. He clumsily plugs it in the wall and turns it on. He then leaves it on the board.

At this point, I think my real cat could have thought of something more evil and she is a ditz.

Chip hears the ol' iron steaming in the next room and points it out. They run out and over to it. Phyllis then goes on a lecture about how irons will burn you to a crisp if you leaves them on. And also, your shirts will looks like crap. 

She also leaves the little nugget that fires mostly happen at night while your sleeping. (Well, good thing I sleep during the day.) Chip and Dale, proudly announce that they know what to do if there is a fire. And we are put into Dale's head as he imagines this happening.

Or he is daydreaming about his Winnie The Pooh fan fic.

In Dale's daze, we find Dale waking up to smoke and the alarm. He gets down on the floor and starts to crawl out as awkwardly as you can imagine a costumed Disney character doing. 

Phyllis starts in with having a family meeting place, when Chip points out that the laundry cart has moved. They start digging through the cart looking for Fat Cat. They accomplish nothing but, making a mess and putting stanky underwear on Phyllis' head.

Come on guys, you literally put ball sweat and wiener tears on her head.

With Fat Cat still on the loose, he shuffles into another room. He starts to mumble about finding something there that will repulse those Rescue Rangers. 

Chip pulls out a huge magnifying glass because that is the cliche' thing to do. All he deducts is that Fat Cat was using the laundry cart to sneak around and he is still around. (Wow, he is smart.)

Dale meanwhile, is sneaking around looking for Fat Cat. He sees a fire suit and begins to punch the hell out of it, assuming Fat Cat is in.  (In all fairness, he was doing a better job then Chip.)

I'll make love to you.

Chip and Phyllis run over to see what the hell Dale is doing. Phyllis quickly explains that those are actually the fire suits. She goes through explaining the parts of the suits. 

All this excitement *yawn* is interrupted by a tea kettle whistling.  The three of them run down the hall and into the break room. Phyllis starts checking the stove knobs. She finds that Fat Cat turned them all on. (Why don't they just lay down some cat nip and wait?) 

Phyllis starts to talk about getting burned, which leads Dale into asking what to do if you get burned? While explaining this, Fat Cat walks right in front of her freaking face. Fat Cat then sneaks off again in plain sight. 

You didn't see anything in the corner of your eye?

The lecture on burns is cut short by sirens. The three of them start to run back out in the garage area, when Dale finds a board with E.D.I.T.H wrote on it. Apparently, it isn't just the name of your grandma but, an acronym. There is also a drawing of the fire station and the bank next door. They deduce that a deposit of caviar was just made at the bank. (What? Was Robin Leach in town?)  And Fat Cat wants to tunnel to the bank from the fire station. 

I just figured out how dumb that is.

At the fire truck, Fat Cat is scooting around. He sees some keys and assume they are for the fire engine. And for the first time he thinks of something really evil. He wants to run over the Rescue Rangers with the truck. He grabs the keys and heads back over to the truck. 

Back with the trio, they are now discussing E.D.I.T.H. Dale thinks it is the name of Fat Cat's plan. But, Chip points out what dumb assery that is. He explains that it means, "Exit Drills In The Home."

So, they go on explaining this. I could bore you more with typing it all out but, honestly I am lazy. I am surprised that I actually made it this far. 

Meanwhile, with Fat Cat it seems that he is now in the truck. (Did no one hear the door make noise?) Like most cats, he is having trouble picking out with jingly sounding item to use to start the truck. 

Ah never mind, I am just going to stare at the wall.

Fat Cat accidentally honks the horn while trying to solve the key mystery. This alerts The Rescue Rangers and Phyllis who run toward the truck. Chip and Dale head to the door and "try" to get Fat Cat out. Phyllis heads to the other window and flashes the real keys at him. 

Here Kitty, Kitty!

Fat Cat throws a fit and tosses the door open. While trying to run, he trips on his own hose trap he made earlier. He gets up and starts to run off again. Chip and Dale grab the hose and lasso him. 

Fat Cat you feet are peeling off. 

They threaten to send Fat Cat to jail but, he pulls the old "The fire engine is running away prank" and makes his escape while the three have their backs turn. 

Phyllis, Chip, and Dale are just like screw it and let Fat Cat pretty much walk away. (Like really, he wasn't even tying to run.) They all say their goodbyes and thank yous. Chip and Dale head back to their BBQ.

Back at the BBQ Dale is back to grilling nuts and Chip is back at peeping.

For the fun of it, let's imagine their Fat Cat's.

With that we are back to where we started. Dale calls out Chip for peeping and they start to fight in those awful voices. 

Fire Safety, guys!

So, I'll give this 3 rolls on a 5 Stop, Drop, and Roll emergency. It wasn't horrible but, it wasn't great either. Would I have another Safety Adventure with Chip and Dale? Maybe if they were doing sex ed or something. 

Koala Brothers

The Koala Brothers, I assume that they are Koalas that are brothers? Let's crack this one open and see!

First off, the theme song is awesome. Of course, it is Australian. I love the ol' didgeridoo. 

The episode starts with George, who is tortoise postman. His whole life revolves around shoving envelopes in mail boxes. 

I am going to go out on a limb and say he is slow.

George stops to take a rest. It looks like he is drinking coffee in the outback. Why would you do that? It is hot. Hot and hot don't work, George.

A platypus named Alice, who rides on a scooter approaches George. She asks is she can have her mail? But, being the good mail tortoise he is, explains that he like to only deliver to mailboxes and not when you ask him. But he will cave in this one time. 

I ship them.

With the distraction of pretty female platypus, George forgot to put the lid tightly on his thermos. Oh no, the mail is getting all soggy.

Meanwhile with the main characters, Frank and Buster, they're washing down the homestead. They even have their friend Ned the wombat helping. Buster gently takes the young Ned under the sheets they were folding. While making sweet inter-species love, they manage to get foot prints all over the sheet. It must washed again. 

Frank knows what he is witnessing. 

Our old friend George arrives with the Koala Brothers' mail. He reaches in his magical sack of mail goodness and discovers all the mail is drenched. He then tried to lie about it but, failed.

The brothers come up with the scheme to post the mail up with their love sheet to dry. They hand over the mail to Ned and offer George some tea. 

Meanwhile, Frank and Ned begin to peg the mail on the line.  

The group sit on the porch waiting for the mail to dry. All the while with George groaning about being a dummy.

Time to make tortoise soup.

The mail eventually dries. But, oops there is a problem. The ink on the letters is all smeared and unreadable. Some weird creature named Mitzi points out that a postcard is from some penguin named Penny that lives in the South Pole. Apparently, she sends a postcard to the brothers every week. It must be their's.

Wikied it, she's a Pussom. 

In which an Australian Possum is so much cuter then an American Opossum

They start to search for clue on the other pieces of formally soaked mail. A package falls off the line that is both bouncy and squishy. Frank insists he knows who's it is. But he doesn't tell us.

Meanwhile, over at the ye ol' watering hole a crocodile name Archie and kangaroo named Josie are waiting to play tennis. (Wait, shouldn't they be playing hunter and the hunted?) They are missing their ball. 

George and the brothers arrive, Archie runs up and nearly tackles the poor turtle for his ball, which he is expecting in the mail. 

(And to note he has the same voice as my beloved Edward, The Blue Engine. My love Edward, haunts me in this blog also. *Yes, I do know he the same actor does other voices on this show. But this is the Edward voice Damn it.*)

Holy shit, if a crocodile ran towards me, I would at least try to run.

In town, the brothers and George ponder who a little box belongs to? Frank starts to shake the box and a ringing sound come out of it. 

Just then a echidna named Sammy pops out of his shop to grab some food out of the back of his truck. The trio decide to ask him. 

While popping into his store to ask Sammy if the box is his, they scare the shit out him. Turns out his door bell is broken.

He should try out for The Wiggles. He is making fruit salad.

George hands over the package and proudly declares he saved the day. 

They now only have one letter left. They are puzzled since this one is clueless. The Koala Brothers decide that George will have to break the law and open the letter in front of the whole town.

To George, going to jail.

The town gathers for the big event. George hesitatingly opens the letter. And it looks like it is for him. George has won a major award for "Best Postman In The Outback". 

George makes a speech on how won't spill tea anymore on the mail and accepts his award.

I feel totally validated.

So, George learns that everyone makes mistakes and to tighten that thermos. 

This show was actually pretty enjoyable. I loved the stop motion and the characters themselves where pretty enjoyable. I would give this show, 5 Bindi Irwins.

Oswald The Octopus

I admit I don't have cable so, I am missing out on weird shows like this daily. But hey, that's what the internet is for. This week we dive into the world of Oswald The Octopus. Hell, he has a wiener dog that looks like hot dog, this has to be good.

Look at me kids, slowly drying up on land.

Mr. Oswald, is going camping. You know, because Octopuses love to camp. He and his dog, Mr. Weenie gather their supplies. And you can't do that without singing! So, Oswald breaks out into a tune about the supplies he'll need and the joys of being bit by bugs and sleeping on hard rocks.

After his little ditty, he picks up a blanket and hardly tries to stuff it into his backpack before giving up. Oswald puzzled about what to do asks the dog. (And I thought I was bad talking to my cat.) Mr. Weenie barks and somehow Oswald translates this as tie it the dog.

Hot Dog abuse!

After abusing his weenie, Oswald marches out the door to Henry's. And who is Henry? Well he just happens to a penguin with a worrying problem. He sees one cloud and assumes it is going to rain. 

Or maybe he just hates camping?

Oswald calls bullshit on Henry's weather report. He insists that they are going to have fun pitching a tent and topping it off with marshmallows. This turns around Henry's shitty attitude. It turns out you can buy a penguin's attention with marshmallows.

Oswald and Mr.Weenie march out of the apartment building, waiting for Henry to pack. And holy fruit salad, a talking walking flower cartwheels across their path. 

I'll have whatever the show's creator was on.

I guess this flower is going camping too? (Isn't she afraid of being ate by deer?)

Henry emerges from his apartment over packed. He is still worried it is going to rain. Henry may be right, he has two clouds in the sky now.

The campers march to the park where they are going to make camp.

I call it a "Parade Of What The Fuck?"

It gets weirder as they enter the park. There is snow man who is not melting, a gingerbread man, and a breeding rabbit family.

Henry walks about 10 feet and calls it good. He wants to be close to the gate in case it rains. That way he can waddle home. Oswald protests that they need to camp where it is not noisy. (You're in a public park in the city!) The quartet heads further in. 

Daisy, the flower wants to camp on a hill. Of course, Henry thinks this is the perfect place to get rained on. 

Half way up the hill, Henry sees a turtle and asks him, "If he thinks it is going to rain?" A third cloud appears and the turtle sinks in his shell.

Or maybe he hiding because, he is the most normal thing I've seen so far.

Daisy and Oswald, being to pitch a tent. They invite Henry to join. You know, to make it a threesome. Henry declines the offer and unpacks his bag. 

Low and behold, a cloud moves over and drops rain. Henry is the one, who is all I told you so. He picks up his gear and one by one they blow away from him. So, they decide to use the friggin' tent as a big umbrella. They hurry home.

Okay, whatever!

While marching home, a giant car shoe splashes them with water. 

They make it to their apartment, all looking so sad because their camping trip was a disaster. Oswald suggest they do the cliche' camp in the living room thing. 

They begin to eat their mashmallows and tell ghost stories about lawnmowers but, that is vetoed out. Oswald the ass kissing octopus, then throws out campfire songs. He sings a song recapping this whole crappy story while waving his arms.

Wait until the light go off.

Meanwhile outside the their little bubble, the rain stops. Oswald questions, if they should go back to the park. No one wants to go, their all ready for some eight legged loving. Inside the tent they go.

You'll never walk the same

So, Oswald is weird. No where as bad as Happy World though. I would just like to know what you have to be on to think of an Octopus, a literal wiener dog, a flower, and penguin going camping? So in closing, I'll give 5 out of 8 octopus leg.

Happy World

First post on this blog and I go creepy. I introduce you to 'Happy World'. 

Oscar Mike Golf!

The theme song seems to go on and on describing doing mundane things and telling us it is happy world. (Is it? Because, I am only thirty seconds in and these costumed trolls are scaring the shit out of me! )

Burn my eyes, please!

After 2 minutes and 30 seconds of theme song, we finally get into the show. Our acid victim troll friend, tells us today's show is about dreams. (Could be this is a dream?) He tells us about closing our eyes and traveling to a far away land that is scwary. (His words) The troll goes on to explain that it is all in our head. (He probably duggars people while they sleep.)

Acid victim troll, who we do not have a name for yet, wants an explanation on dreams. He heads off to see his friend, Blue for answers. Or at least, I think that is what he says. He has a very bad lisp.

I am not sitting on his lap.

We are passed off to Blue, who looks like every other drunken hillbilly I've seen but, in puppet form. He is going to explain dreams to us. Of course, he has to be all mystical on us. And then suddenly, a plush fish appears on screen dangling from an off screen hand. 

Somebody wanted to show off their carnival prize.

I was too distracted by the floating fish to listen to Blue explain about weird and scary dreams. And also some mumbling about cellry. (Not a typo, that is how they say, celery.)

Sorry Blue.

After some talking about dreams and whatever else, he sends us to Happy and Giggles to see some dream action. We see Acid victim troll and a lady in bed. (So, I guess his name is Happy. What is happy about seeing him?)

The two creepers turn off the light and go to bed. We hear, "Oh Happy!" shouted in the dark. (Bow chicka bow wow.) Damn, no creepy troll sex, she just wants a dream journal. The joke is on them, neither of them can write. They deciede to tell each other their drweams. (His baby talk is driving me up the wall!)

Look at her nasty feet!

A fooking red ball of something, begins to speak to them telling them to shut up. Happy and Giggles switch off the light again. And I am hearing a lot moaning from Giggles. 

After seconds of darkness and troll moaning, Giggles whines about not being able to sleep. The red ball thing and Happy tell her to think of cellry to fall asleep, read a book, do anything because they want to sleep. To note, the red ball thing seems pretty fed up with living with them.

Happy goes off to get his whiny lady a book. Only to discover she can't read. (Ugh!) She demands that Happy get her a picture book. Happy retrieves the book and hands it over, somehow not beating her in the face with it. Giggles bitches about the book being too scary. She then makes Happy get one about butterflies. (I want to throat punch her. Good luck, Happy.) Not happy with receiving the book she tacks on a box of cellry. (I can't do this!) 

After fetching a box of cellry for Giggles, Happy lectures her on eating cellry before bed. (Why the hell, did you get her a big ass box of celery in the first place? And when is this boring sketch going to end?) 

The lights go out again and we hear that suspicious moaning. The clock begins to tick through the night.

Can we just have a show about this?

After a moment of clock ticking, black screens, and Blue sleeping, we have a black screen of screaming. Turns out Happy scared Giggles. And the red ball thing has something to say about it. His comment seems to suggest that if he wasn't was made of rubber he'd would have been killed. The verdict is, Happy had a nightmare. (He must have seen his face.) Nope, it turns out he was dreaming about flying sea creatures.

Happy gives us a montage of flying sea creatures and some creepy music with it to boot.

Watch out for those sea frogs, Happy!

We tune back in to the um, real world, where Happy starts to interview the red ball thing and Giggles about their dreams. The red ball thing is all like, screw you, I'm a ball. Giggles didn't dream either. She says something about butterflies, but honestly, I can't understand her. I do know that she did in fact, eat all the cellry. 

Happy tells Giggles she is probably going to dream about cellry. And some how we cut to Blue who states he does. Giggles insists she is going to dream about butterflies. (All right, Mariah Carey.)

The red ball thing, the only one with a brain, tells them, "Shut off the light. And let a fricking ball rest!"

Back to the clock ticking... (I feel like this is a timer for when Jane Slicker looses it.)

While waiting for these losers to dream, Blue comes back to tell us we can make ourselves dream of a certain thing. Like cellry! But other times, it can be unexpected things. Like cellry! 

Please tell me how to dream about a young Michael Nesmith.

Back to the blackness and moaning, man these trolls make sex noises a lot. Giggles starts screaming. I am guessing Happy hit the wrong hole. Oh no, she was having a nightmare too. And she dreamed about cellry. (This could have been a drinking game.) 

We flash into her dream. Giggles is walking through the woods, when a stationary piece of giant cellry looks at her angrily. It then begins to hop after her. Finally, it falls on her and looks like it is cellry raping her. WTF! (I would have taken a screen shot but, it was way too pixelated. It censored itself.) 

I would pay that cellry to beat her in the head.

Happy and Giggles decide to blame their shitty dreaming on Blue. It is all his fault that they sucks. Hell, it is probably his fault that this show sucks also. 

Blue may have felt the blame flames because, he was stuttering to explain himself. Finally he blurts out REM (not the band) is when most dreams happen. Happy and Giggles, give a disappointed look. This makes Blue spurt out more crap about dreaming.

The red ball thing just wants this all to end, so he can sleep and stop listening to these crazies. 

Best and most sane one of the bunch.

Happy and Giggles decide to use reverse phycology on their dreams. The red ball thing is fed up and suggest they just roll with it. 

It goes black and we hear snoring. We have a few second of peace as we stare at a red ball and three blue balls for a minute or two. I am assuming this a break from the annoyance of our main characters.

The least annoying part of this show.

Back to Blue, he acts as if he has unraveled the universe with his blabbing about dreams. Blue then cuts it short because, he has to wake up the cellry. (I swear, next time I see a stick of celery, I am going to beat the crap out of it.)

The episode ends with Happy explaining he is still dumb when it comes to dreams or drweams. 

I am so glad I don't ever have to see you again.

I am so happy I do not do weekly reviews on this show. It almost killed me. First off it is creepy. The puppets all look like they were dumped in acid. It was as boring as watching your grandma knit. Oh, and on the closing credits, it turns out if I would have listened better it states that Giggles is Happy's sister. I guess that Duggar joke fit. So, Happy World gets a 1 out of 5 creepy trolls.

If you want to torture yourself or use this as cruel and unusual punishment, you can watch this episode on Youtube. Just remember I warned you.